Monday, November 3, 2014

Good Grief

As the days go by and I clearly know, I will be divorced.  It is sad but a happy, freeing sad.  At work, I am happy and strong.  At home, I am happy and steady.  At night, I tend to fall apart.  I realize I need to grieve the loss of my marriage, my husband, a friend.

It's kinda crazy, most people who know us as a couple, they would never suspect how unhappy I am.  When I was in a counseling session, the counselor told me it is like living a lie.  And you know, it's true.  I have been living two lives for a long time.  On the outside we were the perfect strong couple.  But on this girl's inside, I was dying.  Not being true to myself or to my family.  I would never tolerate the bad behavior from anyone else, so why his?

It is not like I have no blame but I have learned to cope to my reality.  Living with a man who was obsessive, depressed, anxiety ridden.  So my polar opposite.  I look back and wonder why I stayed.  How could I be so trustworthy.  Stay heartbroken.  But you know, I could always see who he wants to be.  He wants to be happy and healthy but he can't.  And I can't be in the co dependent relationship anymore.

Katie, my fabulous medium assured me, at one of my readings, that he will grow and move on and one day thank me for letting him go.  He will be truly happy.  My counselor told me, he will probably change for the good and the counselor we see as a couple thinks he will change in time but only if I let him.   Lots of people giving me advice and guidance.  Which I need.

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