Almost Christmas, Almost Over

I am really trying to make it through the holidays as a family in tact.  One last time.  We are broken, pretending to be whole.  It's hard.  Being in the house together knowing after the first of the year, it's over.  It's like being on vacation, enjoying the time but knowing it will come to end.  Thank goodness for our children.

We have a houseful of kids non stop.  Teenage boys.  And they are hungry and I feed them and then they are hungry again.  It does help to pass the time and bring life into the holidays.  They make us laugh.  A good distraction from reality.  My soon to be ex is not happy.  He is mad.  I understand his anger.  I have lived through the mad and the hurt.  We are at different places in life.  I am enjoying the family and tree and he is mad.

I will say that I am still sad though.  Especially looking back.  We used to be invited to parties and dinners and out with friends.  Which I love.  It makes holidays fun, feeling the love.  I am. Thankful to enjoy my family during this time but miss the warmth of other people.  We stopped getting invited because the husband would be made to go and he would be miserable.  He doesn't want to interact.  He wants to be home.  Do not want to be social, he says.  Sad!!! But now, he is changing.  He wants to go out, have a drink, invite friends.  Unbelievable as I think of all the times that could of happened.  Too late.  No one is inviting us.  He knows it is his doing.  So, I continue to enjoy my family, embrace the friends I have.  All the while thinking it's almost Christmas, almost over.

Gotta go wrap a zillion trillion presents!

Waiting for the Holidays

Just like many of us, Christmas is one of my favorite times.  The lights, love, shopping, music, food and family.  As I started my own family, we started new traditions.  The traditions we have built are simple.  I hope I can continue most as my marriage falls apart around me.  Hopefully, as I grow to a better place, new traditions can unfold.  Kate asked me at my last reading if I was waiting on Christmas before proceeding with the final divorce.

Why yes I am.  I am trying to keep my family together one last holiday as a whole unit.  Trying to keep the traditions alive.  I worked so hard to give my children stability and peace that we need this.  Kate also mentioned for me to keep my mind straight through the holiday.  Dang, my spirit guides are advising I stay sober through Christmas.  Now dealing with my big family, my soon to be ex husband and a roller coaster of emotions and no whiskey, rum or wine.  This is going to be harder than I thought.

So, my home is decorated, presents are being wrapped and we are enjoying the tree.  It does make me want to hold on tight to my family and traditions.  I want spiked eggnog.  I want love and happy.  It makes me sad that although my husband and I have love, we can't find the happiness.  It isn't real and it won't last.  Right now we are thriving in Christmas.  While we wait on Christmas, we wait for divorce.

There is No More Us

I feel sorry for this man.  I keep telling him no more us.  I do not want to be married to you anymore. He takes it.  Gets upset. And then a few days later, he is asking me again.

It's sad how two people who once had this fierce love, can grow miles apart.  I stood in my marriage so many years to keep it going, to make us happy, to raise our family together.  I wanted this marriage very badly.  I struggled through being broke, being moved, working two jobs.  I loved this man.  He is a good man.  He will make someone very happy, just not me.  Already tried that.  He struggles with past family issues, depression.  He wants to be good but he can't get past the anger.  I have been in therapy for years with him.  He won't heal with me.

I made this leap of faith.  Eyes closed and heart open.  I want a new life.  A happy life.  I want him to be happy in his new life, too.  Kate told me to keep moving forward.  To do what I have always done, take care of things.  No one but me will get things done.  It's hard to live in today.  The past is my history, my pain, my love, my life.  The lines get blurry between the sad and the happy.  I would take the happy all day and all life long.   I know I need to let it go.  I know there is no more us.

She Gives Me Hope

Tonight I was invited to a reading.  The medium of choice was Kate.  There were four of us.  Each had a private 25 minute reading.  With a clock running, we dive right in.  I shuffle the tarot cards and she turns them over.  Eek.  I hold my breath waiting for the outcome.

I don't know exactly what Kate sees but I do know she sees me.  Into my soul.  She talks about my son who just broke up with his controlling girlfriend.  She knows that I am separated and waiting to get through the holidays to move toward the divorce.  Amazing.  She tells me to keep a clear sober mind.  The spirits are afraid I might be swayed otherwise.  I am thinking, how will I make a buzz free Christmas??

It comes around to my future relationships.  There is hope, she sees a ring in my future.  She sees someone in my energy that I could date when I get past my marriage and the negativity.  She tells me I have been emotionally suffocated.  I cannot express how many times I have felt like that in the past few years.  It will all be ok.  I will find happiness and love and faith and fortune.  I leave there reenergized.  Happy.  A new outlook.  I can't thank Kate enough, she gives me hope.

You Send Me Flowers

When I first got married, my husband would occasionally bring me roses.  I am not a big fan of roses.   And I think he only did roses or bought me flowers because he should.  So, after years of grocery flowers bought at the last minute, I declared flowers were a waste of money.  Now, I love flowers, fresh cut and mixed.

I want the flowers to be just because.  Some thought and a little love.  I don't want them to be the go to gift.  But theses flowers reminded me of you.  After years of getting no flowers and no disappointments in that area, I started buying small bouquets of mixed colorful flowers. Put on the table or counter.  They just brighten a room and flowers can brighten your relationship.  Said husband could not understand the meaning of the just because flowers.  So no expectation, no flowers.

Recently, when I declared I wanted to separate, the just because flowers have started showing up.  It's irritating.  The flowers are beautiful but it brings sadness and a lost hope.  All I ever wanted was beautifully mixed flowers just because you couldn't stop thinking of me.  After years of the flower-less marriage, now you send me flowers.

Why is my Tinfoil in your bedroom??

So this is the great wonder of the day! Come home from work to make lasagne.  Went to the grocery on my lunch break.  I was ready.  My kids are out for Thanksgiving break.  Which means, teens, teens and more teenagers.  This makes my heart beat.  Food is my love language.  Make this killer lasagne, go to put it in the oven.  Where is my tinfoil? Call my oldest, he ponders, nothing.  Finally, he says oh yeah it's in my room.  Um....what?? Why would it be in your room?  Really, at this point I don't really need to know.

This is my life.  Questions with no answers.  I had a brutal day of emailing fighting with my husband.  Not husband, separated from husband.  What do I do with this?  Just trying to make this divorce as smooth as possible.  Can this be done?  I begged this man for years to see me, hear me.  Nada. Now, he wants to be the husband, friend, lover I wanted.  I just don't think it can be undone.  All the hurt and heartbreak.  I don't understand not solving or fixing a problem when it's in front of you.  I assure you that is better than the waiting game.

As I sit on my couch to embrace myself for the chaos that will start at dinner time.  I am thinking, why is my tinfoil in your room?

Gifts of Guilty Pleasure

Once I told the man that I loved so long, I wanted a divorce, he started paying attention.  Buying the boots I had wanted in the right size and color.  He bought me a spa day.  He bought me a gift card to my favorite little store.  I mean come on, years and years, birthdays, Christmases, it was always a chore to buy me a heart felt present.  Boom, now he knows my shoe size and favorites.  I cannot tell you how frustrating this is.  I would get so excited every occasion, this is the year.  He is going to buy me an incredible gift.  With out help or prompting, he couldn't do it.

What is it then?  He just didn't care prior? Too caught up in me or him? I just don't understand.  Years when I was happy to be getting gifts from a man that loves me but nothing to sing about.  We even stopped celebrating Valentine's Day.  I didn't want the oh crap I forgot flowers or the on my way home card.  So sad.  Just put some thought and love into it.  I could store up little gift ideas all year long for my family and friends.  It does help that I forget nothing but still PAY ATTENTION.

I guess that is the kick in the pants.  See me, hear me, love me.  When we were young and had no money the little gifts were great but as you grow and get comfortable the gifts should grow along with the relationship.  Not about money either.  Putting me first not you in a panic.  I wanted this for so long.  I would give ideas and hints or flat out say I want that.  Very few times it was heard.  But now, he decides to dig up what he knows about me and what he has heard me talk about.  Not only buy me gifts but for no reason.

And so my therapist asks me "what do you want to do with the gifts?"  I want the presents.  I want to go to the spa.  I want to wear those new boots.  I want to spend the gift cards.  Spoiled? Bratty?  I like to think a lot of missed opportunity and reward for waiting for these gifts.  So yes, gifts of guilty pleasure.

Balancing Act

So, I attended a balancing workshop hosted by Kate, the medium.  It was kind of hokey but I went in with an open mind.  I mean, who doesn't need to balance their life.  Love, money, work, family and life in general.  The workshop teaches you have to balance yourself according to cards relating to your chakras.  It was very interesting feeling my body's reaction to the different cards.  I was out of balance with 4 cards.  Understandably, I have a lot going on in me life.  Kids, separation, job, finances.  Kate walked us through how to balance and stay in balance.  I left that day encouraged and with inner peace.

Staying in balance is hard.  My heart is fragile.  My life is upside down.  I need serenity, calm and just middle of the road.  That is one of my biggest wishes and complaints of my failing marriage.  We were either on the highest mountain or the lowest point.  I would tell my husband, why can't we just be? In the middle, straight and smooth.  Sometimes, we need that.  Don't get me wrong, I love the highs.  But, what goes up, must come down.  And down it would crash.  Leaving chaos and confusion.

One of the saddest days of my marriage, the one where I told my husband that I was done.  It was also the most sense of relief I had felt in years.  The mess of my marriage that spilled over into my life.  Finally, I had the courage to put a stop to the craziness and get into balance.

The Middle of the Bed

After years of sleeping on my side of the bed, it's an unknown space on the other side.  I still find myself not crossing the invisible line.  A king bed is really big when you are in it alone.  I have been trying to mosey over to the middle.  It's kinda freeing. I can thrash around in the bed and there is no one on the other side.  I don't have anyone to put my cold feet on or snuggle with.  Two things I loved to do.

It was kind of our nightly thing.  My feet are always cold, and husband's body like a heat box.  So putting my cold feet on him was twofold.  Warned me up and cooled him off.  One night laying there he crawled in the bed.  We had a normal day.  Pretty good. I put my feet on him, like a billion times before and he got mad.  Not raging but snippy.  My feelings were crushed.  It was my way of flirting with my husband even in late at night.  I stopped doing it.  One night he mentioned how he missed my feet on him.  I shared with him how he reacted.  Because clearly he had forgotten.  He just blew it off. I told him never again and I know he was sorry but that ritual was over.

The same thing happened with the snuggling.  I always wake up first.  I would snuggle into to him.  Not always for sex but for the human touch, the closeness.  The last time I did it, he got grumpy and was mad because I disrupted the covers off him.  Now I know he was sleeping and warm and I cause an upheaval.  I knew on that occasion we had problems.  The distance between couldn't be moved.  I craved his touch, his warmth and to be close to him.  He didn't want it.

So for now, I am rediscovering the middle of the bed.

Good Grief

As the days go by and I clearly know, I will be divorced.  It is sad but a happy, freeing sad.  At work, I am happy and strong.  At home, I am happy and steady.  At night, I tend to fall apart.  I realize I need to grieve the loss of my marriage, my husband, a friend.

It's kinda crazy, most people who know us as a couple, they would never suspect how unhappy I am.  When I was in a counseling session, the counselor told me it is like living a lie.  And you know, it's true.  I have been living two lives for a long time.  On the outside we were the perfect strong couple.  But on this girl's inside, I was dying.  Not being true to myself or to my family.  I would never tolerate the bad behavior from anyone else, so why his?

It is not like I have no blame but I have learned to cope to my reality.  Living with a man who was obsessive, depressed, anxiety ridden.  So my polar opposite.  I look back and wonder why I stayed.  How could I be so trustworthy.  Stay heartbroken.  But you know, I could always see who he wants to be.  He wants to be happy and healthy but he can't.  And I can't be in the co dependent relationship anymore.

Katie, my fabulous medium assured me, at one of my readings, that he will grow and move on and one day thank me for letting him go.  He will be truly happy.  My counselor told me, he will probably change for the good and the counselor we see as a couple thinks he will change in time but only if I let him.   Lots of people giving me advice and guidance.  Which I need.

Messy Monday

Friday night I had the excitement of seeing an old friend.  She is on her 3rd marriage.  That got me thinking, why 3 husbands?  Really?  I understand having the first one, married for love and he is the practice husband.  Then the second, you think you have it figure out.  But after that, what are you possibly thinking?  Then I had a drink and thought about a few couples I know that their third and final marriages have been the last.  Happy and in love.  

Is that something I want? To be that vulnerable again?  Is it worth putting myself out there.  I mean I know the marriage I am in, is not working at all.  But geez, can I subject myself to the heartbreak again? Not that I want to be alone or married three times either.  Sugar daddy?  Marry for money?  Just putting it out there.  But I don't think I could do that.  And there goes my brain, thinking about all of that.  I believe in love, the first kiss, the make outs, the dating.  I want the marriage. 

A few weeks back at one of my first visits with Katie, my medium, we talked about me being separated.  I have been part of a couple since I was 19.  It's scary and crazy.  We talked and she stared at the side of my right hand and assured me I would marry again.  Just one more time. Phew!! 

Ahhh, Thursday

I spend three long days in training for work this week.  It was a longer than normal drive which allows me ample time to think.  Too much time, too much thinking.  Never a good thing.  I thought back to the early years of my marriage and how I thought life would be easy breezy.  Yep, not so easy.  

Those early years brought a few moves, new jobs and new babies.  I was on my way to this naive life of a little happy family.  Which, would of been true had depression and jealousy, not set in on my husband.  Of course, neither of us realized what it was at the time.  That won't be figured out for years.  We had glimpses of happiness and wide gaps of nothingness.  How can you love and have fun and feel so empty.  My babies stole my heart and filled that void.  Good thing too because my marriage wouldn't of lasted as long had it not been for them.

Fast forward to today.  I was thinking about how remarkable it was the first time I sat with a medium, which was recently.  She knew how I loved my kids, how I had out grown my husband and how very afraid I was to move forward and let go.  I told myself, that was a fluke.  So I went back and saw another medium.  She said the same thing to me but in more details.  I felt as if they could see my soul, inside my heart.  It was the first time in years, someone saw me.  I mean really saw me.  It scared the life out of me.  I am sure, being a psychic in all, they could see that!!

This led to some life altering changes.  A new peace and happiness.  But it also brings sadness and a long over due truth.

Trying to Move Forward

Most days I am not so much of a mess.  Lately, I feel like I am just controlled chaos. Let me give you the brief overview of how I got into the mess I am in.  And mind you, not all messes are bad.  Years ago, a 20 year old girl fell hard in love and got married to a hunky 21 year boy.  And yes we were a girl and a boy.  Not a woman or a man.  Just babies who wanted to be married.  I wanted to get married because I was happy and in love.  I think husband wanted to be married because he didn't want to be alone.  I mean he loves me as fiercely as he can.  And some days that love was breathtaking and some days, too many, heartbreaking.  Not even knowing how to navigate, such a relationship.  I dug in for better or for worse right?  I knew I could love and smile enough for both of us.  Through 20 plus years, 3 kids, bouts of depressions and obsessions, I have had enough.  I wanted peace and to find myself.

Interestingly, I found a Medium. Yes, a psychic.  It was outside of my conventional box.  I was struggling and something had to change.  I had tried it all.  Therapy, tears, beers, exercise, friends and I was spinning in place.

This is my story of a real marriage.  Up and down, happy and sad.  Broken and trying to put it all back together.  I needed to find myself, improve myself and my life.  I want to share my path of how I am reconnecting with myself and my life.