Monday, October 27, 2014

Messy Monday

Friday night I had the excitement of seeing an old friend.  She is on her 3rd marriage.  That got me thinking, why 3 husbands?  Really?  I understand having the first one, married for love and he is the practice husband.  Then the second, you think you have it figure out.  But after that, what are you possibly thinking?  Then I had a drink and thought about a few couples I know that their third and final marriages have been the last.  Happy and in love.  

Is that something I want? To be that vulnerable again?  Is it worth putting myself out there.  I mean I know the marriage I am in, is not working at all.  But geez, can I subject myself to the heartbreak again? Not that I want to be alone or married three times either.  Sugar daddy?  Marry for money?  Just putting it out there.  But I don't think I could do that.  And there goes my brain, thinking about all of that.  I believe in love, the first kiss, the make outs, the dating.  I want the marriage. 

A few weeks back at one of my first visits with Katie, my medium, we talked about me being separated.  I have been part of a couple since I was 19.  It's scary and crazy.  We talked and she stared at the side of my right hand and assured me I would marry again.  Just one more time. Phew!! 

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Ahhh, Thursday

I spend three long days in training for work this week.  It was a longer than normal drive which allows me ample time to think.  Too much time, too much thinking.  Never a good thing.  I thought back to the early years of my marriage and how I thought life would be easy breezy.  Yep, not so easy.  

Those early years brought a few moves, new jobs and new babies.  I was on my way to this naive life of a little happy family.  Which, would of been true had depression and jealousy, not set in on my husband.  Of course, neither of us realized what it was at the time.  That won't be figured out for years.  We had glimpses of happiness and wide gaps of nothingness.  How can you love and have fun and feel so empty.  My babies stole my heart and filled that void.  Good thing too because my marriage wouldn't of lasted as long had it not been for them.

Fast forward to today.  I was thinking about how remarkable it was the first time I sat with a medium, which was recently.  She knew how I loved my kids, how I had out grown my husband and how very afraid I was to move forward and let go.  I told myself, that was a fluke.  So I went back and saw another medium.  She said the same thing to me but in more details.  I felt as if they could see my soul, inside my heart.  It was the first time in years, someone saw me.  I mean really saw me.  It scared the life out of me.  I am sure, being a psychic in all, they could see that!!

This led to some life altering changes.  A new peace and happiness.  But it also brings sadness and a long over due truth.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Trying to Move Forward

Most days I am not so much of a mess.  Lately, I feel like I am just controlled chaos. Let me give you the brief overview of how I got into the mess I am in.  And mind you, not all messes are bad.  Years ago, a 20 year old girl fell hard in love and got married to a hunky 21 year boy.  And yes we were a girl and a boy.  Not a woman or a man.  Just babies who wanted to be married.  I wanted to get married because I was happy and in love.  I think husband wanted to be married because he didn't want to be alone.  I mean he loves me as fiercely as he can.  And some days that love was breathtaking and some days, too many, heartbreaking.  Not even knowing how to navigate, such a relationship.  I dug in for better or for worse right?  I knew I could love and smile enough for both of us.  Through 20 plus years, 3 kids, bouts of depressions and obsessions, I have had enough.  I wanted peace and to find myself.

Interestingly, I found a Medium. Yes, a psychic.  It was outside of my conventional box.  I was struggling and something had to change.  I had tried it all.  Therapy, tears, beers, exercise, friends and I was spinning in place.

This is my story of a real marriage.  Up and down, happy and sad.  Broken and trying to put it all back together.  I needed to find myself, improve myself and my life.  I want to share my path of how I am reconnecting with myself and my life.