Thursday, January 8, 2015

The Reality of It All

It hit me last night as I was getting in the bed.  Did I make the right decision about the divorce? I panicked.  I mean 22 years is a long time to be married, my entire adult life.  Is this reality I want? We have been friends since we were 19.  That is a long time to know and love someone.

A few days earlier, I had to go back to work.  I left my soon to be ex in his bed.  It took every ounce of strength I had to walk out of his room.  I wanted to crawl in that bed and let him hold me.  I even crossed the threshold of the door.  He never woke.  I knew when I walked out of the house, my life would be changed forever.  At that point, it's done.  And that was scary.  I drove to work on the verge of tears.  Why now? I guess I didn't let myself feel the reality of it prior.  Trying to hold myself together.  The sadness and emptiness running through me.

I let this feeling move over me for a few days.  I have been struggling with this divorce all of the sudden.  I have been so sure.  I have been comfortable.  Ugh!  I knew I needed some answers, some resolutions.  I picked up the phone and called my soon to be ex.  I asked him for the honesty.  I asked him questions that had be defining our relationship.  I needed him to answer me with "I will do whatever it takes, or I love you and I will continue to work on this. "  He didn't say any of this, nothing close to it.  He wanted to justify his stance, blame me.  And in the end, he gave me the answers I needed.  His indecisiveness and "I don't knows" sealed it for me.  So yes, this is the reality of it all.