It hit me last night as I was getting in the bed. Did I make the right decision about the divorce? I panicked. I mean 22 years is a long time to be married, my entire adult life. Is this reality I want? We have been friends since we were 19. That is a long time to know and love someone.
A few days earlier, I had to go back to work. I left my soon to be ex in his bed. It took every ounce of strength I had to walk out of his room. I wanted to crawl in that bed and let him hold me. I even crossed the threshold of the door. He never woke. I knew when I walked out of the house, my life would be changed forever. At that point, it's done. And that was scary. I drove to work on the verge of tears. Why now? I guess I didn't let myself feel the reality of it prior. Trying to hold myself together. The sadness and emptiness running through me.
I let this feeling move over me for a few days. I have been struggling with this divorce all of the sudden. I have been so sure. I have been comfortable. Ugh! I knew I needed some answers, some resolutions. I picked up the phone and called my soon to be ex. I asked him for the honesty. I asked him questions that had be defining our relationship. I needed him to answer me with "I will do whatever it takes, or I love you and I will continue to work on this. " He didn't say any of this, nothing close to it. He wanted to justify his stance, blame me. And in the end, he gave me the answers I needed. His indecisiveness and "I don't knows" sealed it for me. So yes, this is the reality of it all.