Friday, November 28, 2014

You Send Me Flowers

When I first got married, my husband would occasionally bring me roses.  I am not a big fan of roses.   And I think he only did roses or bought me flowers because he should.  So, after years of grocery flowers bought at the last minute, I declared flowers were a waste of money.  Now, I love flowers, fresh cut and mixed.

I want the flowers to be just because.  Some thought and a little love.  I don't want them to be the go to gift.  But theses flowers reminded me of you.  After years of getting no flowers and no disappointments in that area, I started buying small bouquets of mixed colorful flowers. Put on the table or counter.  They just brighten a room and flowers can brighten your relationship.  Said husband could not understand the meaning of the just because flowers.  So no expectation, no flowers.

Recently, when I declared I wanted to separate, the just because flowers have started showing up.  It's irritating.  The flowers are beautiful but it brings sadness and a lost hope.  All I ever wanted was beautifully mixed flowers just because you couldn't stop thinking of me.  After years of the flower-less marriage, now you send me flowers.

Monday, November 24, 2014

Why is my Tinfoil in your bedroom??

So this is the great wonder of the day! Come home from work to make lasagne.  Went to the grocery on my lunch break.  I was ready.  My kids are out for Thanksgiving break.  Which means, teens, teens and more teenagers.  This makes my heart beat.  Food is my love language.  Make this killer lasagne, go to put it in the oven.  Where is my tinfoil? Call my oldest, he ponders, nothing.  Finally, he says oh yeah it's in my room.  Um....what?? Why would it be in your room?  Really, at this point I don't really need to know.

This is my life.  Questions with no answers.  I had a brutal day of emailing fighting with my husband.  Not husband, separated from husband.  What do I do with this?  Just trying to make this divorce as smooth as possible.  Can this be done?  I begged this man for years to see me, hear me.  Nada. Now, he wants to be the husband, friend, lover I wanted.  I just don't think it can be undone.  All the hurt and heartbreak.  I don't understand not solving or fixing a problem when it's in front of you.  I assure you that is better than the waiting game.

As I sit on my couch to embrace myself for the chaos that will start at dinner time.  I am thinking, why is my tinfoil in your room?

Monday, November 17, 2014

Gifts of Guilty Pleasure

Once I told the man that I loved so long, I wanted a divorce, he started paying attention.  Buying the boots I had wanted in the right size and color.  He bought me a spa day.  He bought me a gift card to my favorite little store.  I mean come on, years and years, birthdays, Christmases, it was always a chore to buy me a heart felt present.  Boom, now he knows my shoe size and favorites.  I cannot tell you how frustrating this is.  I would get so excited every occasion, this is the year.  He is going to buy me an incredible gift.  With out help or prompting, he couldn't do it.

What is it then?  He just didn't care prior? Too caught up in me or him? I just don't understand.  Years when I was happy to be getting gifts from a man that loves me but nothing to sing about.  We even stopped celebrating Valentine's Day.  I didn't want the oh crap I forgot flowers or the on my way home card.  So sad.  Just put some thought and love into it.  I could store up little gift ideas all year long for my family and friends.  It does help that I forget nothing but still PAY ATTENTION.

I guess that is the kick in the pants.  See me, hear me, love me.  When we were young and had no money the little gifts were great but as you grow and get comfortable the gifts should grow along with the relationship.  Not about money either.  Putting me first not you in a panic.  I wanted this for so long.  I would give ideas and hints or flat out say I want that.  Very few times it was heard.  But now, he decides to dig up what he knows about me and what he has heard me talk about.  Not only buy me gifts but for no reason.

And so my therapist asks me "what do you want to do with the gifts?"  I want the presents.  I want to go to the spa.  I want to wear those new boots.  I want to spend the gift cards.  Spoiled? Bratty?  I like to think a lot of missed opportunity and reward for waiting for these gifts.  So yes, gifts of guilty pleasure.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Balancing Act

So, I attended a balancing workshop hosted by Kate, the medium.  It was kind of hokey but I went in with an open mind.  I mean, who doesn't need to balance their life.  Love, money, work, family and life in general.  The workshop teaches you have to balance yourself according to cards relating to your chakras.  It was very interesting feeling my body's reaction to the different cards.  I was out of balance with 4 cards.  Understandably, I have a lot going on in me life.  Kids, separation, job, finances.  Kate walked us through how to balance and stay in balance.  I left that day encouraged and with inner peace.

Staying in balance is hard.  My heart is fragile.  My life is upside down.  I need serenity, calm and just middle of the road.  That is one of my biggest wishes and complaints of my failing marriage.  We were either on the highest mountain or the lowest point.  I would tell my husband, why can't we just be? In the middle, straight and smooth.  Sometimes, we need that.  Don't get me wrong, I love the highs.  But, what goes up, must come down.  And down it would crash.  Leaving chaos and confusion.

One of the saddest days of my marriage, the one where I told my husband that I was done.  It was also the most sense of relief I had felt in years.  The mess of my marriage that spilled over into my life.  Finally, I had the courage to put a stop to the craziness and get into balance.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

The Middle of the Bed

After years of sleeping on my side of the bed, it's an unknown space on the other side.  I still find myself not crossing the invisible line.  A king bed is really big when you are in it alone.  I have been trying to mosey over to the middle.  It's kinda freeing. I can thrash around in the bed and there is no one on the other side.  I don't have anyone to put my cold feet on or snuggle with.  Two things I loved to do.

It was kind of our nightly thing.  My feet are always cold, and husband's body like a heat box.  So putting my cold feet on him was twofold.  Warned me up and cooled him off.  One night laying there he crawled in the bed.  We had a normal day.  Pretty good. I put my feet on him, like a billion times before and he got mad.  Not raging but snippy.  My feelings were crushed.  It was my way of flirting with my husband even in late at night.  I stopped doing it.  One night he mentioned how he missed my feet on him.  I shared with him how he reacted.  Because clearly he had forgotten.  He just blew it off. I told him never again and I know he was sorry but that ritual was over.

The same thing happened with the snuggling.  I always wake up first.  I would snuggle into to him.  Not always for sex but for the human touch, the closeness.  The last time I did it, he got grumpy and was mad because I disrupted the covers off him.  Now I know he was sleeping and warm and I cause an upheaval.  I knew on that occasion we had problems.  The distance between couldn't be moved.  I craved his touch, his warmth and to be close to him.  He didn't want it.

So for now, I am rediscovering the middle of the bed.

Monday, November 3, 2014

Good Grief

As the days go by and I clearly know, I will be divorced.  It is sad but a happy, freeing sad.  At work, I am happy and strong.  At home, I am happy and steady.  At night, I tend to fall apart.  I realize I need to grieve the loss of my marriage, my husband, a friend.

It's kinda crazy, most people who know us as a couple, they would never suspect how unhappy I am.  When I was in a counseling session, the counselor told me it is like living a lie.  And you know, it's true.  I have been living two lives for a long time.  On the outside we were the perfect strong couple.  But on this girl's inside, I was dying.  Not being true to myself or to my family.  I would never tolerate the bad behavior from anyone else, so why his?

It is not like I have no blame but I have learned to cope to my reality.  Living with a man who was obsessive, depressed, anxiety ridden.  So my polar opposite.  I look back and wonder why I stayed.  How could I be so trustworthy.  Stay heartbroken.  But you know, I could always see who he wants to be.  He wants to be happy and healthy but he can't.  And I can't be in the co dependent relationship anymore.

Katie, my fabulous medium assured me, at one of my readings, that he will grow and move on and one day thank me for letting him go.  He will be truly happy.  My counselor told me, he will probably change for the good and the counselor we see as a couple thinks he will change in time but only if I let him.   Lots of people giving me advice and guidance.  Which I need.