The Reality of It All

It hit me last night as I was getting in the bed.  Did I make the right decision about the divorce? I panicked.  I mean 22 years is a long time to be married, my entire adult life.  Is this reality I want? We have been friends since we were 19.  That is a long time to know and love someone.

A few days earlier, I had to go back to work.  I left my soon to be ex in his bed.  It took every ounce of strength I had to walk out of his room.  I wanted to crawl in that bed and let him hold me.  I even crossed the threshold of the door.  He never woke.  I knew when I walked out of the house, my life would be changed forever.  At that point, it's done.  And that was scary.  I drove to work on the verge of tears.  Why now? I guess I didn't let myself feel the reality of it prior.  Trying to hold myself together.  The sadness and emptiness running through me.

I let this feeling move over me for a few days.  I have been struggling with this divorce all of the sudden.  I have been so sure.  I have been comfortable.  Ugh!  I knew I needed some answers, some resolutions.  I picked up the phone and called my soon to be ex.  I asked him for the honesty.  I asked him questions that had be defining our relationship.  I needed him to answer me with "I will do whatever it takes, or I love you and I will continue to work on this. "  He didn't say any of this, nothing close to it.  He wanted to justify his stance, blame me.  And in the end, he gave me the answers I needed.  His indecisiveness and "I don't knows" sealed it for me.  So yes, this is the reality of it all.

Almost Christmas, Almost Over

I am really trying to make it through the holidays as a family in tact.  One last time.  We are broken, pretending to be whole.  It's hard.  Being in the house together knowing after the first of the year, it's over.  It's like being on vacation, enjoying the time but knowing it will come to end.  Thank goodness for our children.

We have a houseful of kids non stop.  Teenage boys.  And they are hungry and I feed them and then they are hungry again.  It does help to pass the time and bring life into the holidays.  They make us laugh.  A good distraction from reality.  My soon to be ex is not happy.  He is mad.  I understand his anger.  I have lived through the mad and the hurt.  We are at different places in life.  I am enjoying the family and tree and he is mad.

I will say that I am still sad though.  Especially looking back.  We used to be invited to parties and dinners and out with friends.  Which I love.  It makes holidays fun, feeling the love.  I am. Thankful to enjoy my family during this time but miss the warmth of other people.  We stopped getting invited because the husband would be made to go and he would be miserable.  He doesn't want to interact.  He wants to be home.  Do not want to be social, he says.  Sad!!! But now, he is changing.  He wants to go out, have a drink, invite friends.  Unbelievable as I think of all the times that could of happened.  Too late.  No one is inviting us.  He knows it is his doing.  So, I continue to enjoy my family, embrace the friends I have.  All the while thinking it's almost Christmas, almost over.

Gotta go wrap a zillion trillion presents!

Waiting for the Holidays

Just like many of us, Christmas is one of my favorite times.  The lights, love, shopping, music, food and family.  As I started my own family, we started new traditions.  The traditions we have built are simple.  I hope I can continue most as my marriage falls apart around me.  Hopefully, as I grow to a better place, new traditions can unfold.  Kate asked me at my last reading if I was waiting on Christmas before proceeding with the final divorce.

Why yes I am.  I am trying to keep my family together one last holiday as a whole unit.  Trying to keep the traditions alive.  I worked so hard to give my children stability and peace that we need this.  Kate also mentioned for me to keep my mind straight through the holiday.  Dang, my spirit guides are advising I stay sober through Christmas.  Now dealing with my big family, my soon to be ex husband and a roller coaster of emotions and no whiskey, rum or wine.  This is going to be harder than I thought.

So, my home is decorated, presents are being wrapped and we are enjoying the tree.  It does make me want to hold on tight to my family and traditions.  I want spiked eggnog.  I want love and happy.  It makes me sad that although my husband and I have love, we can't find the happiness.  It isn't real and it won't last.  Right now we are thriving in Christmas.  While we wait on Christmas, we wait for divorce.

There is No More Us

I feel sorry for this man.  I keep telling him no more us.  I do not want to be married to you anymore. He takes it.  Gets upset. And then a few days later, he is asking me again.

It's sad how two people who once had this fierce love, can grow miles apart.  I stood in my marriage so many years to keep it going, to make us happy, to raise our family together.  I wanted this marriage very badly.  I struggled through being broke, being moved, working two jobs.  I loved this man.  He is a good man.  He will make someone very happy, just not me.  Already tried that.  He struggles with past family issues, depression.  He wants to be good but he can't get past the anger.  I have been in therapy for years with him.  He won't heal with me.

I made this leap of faith.  Eyes closed and heart open.  I want a new life.  A happy life.  I want him to be happy in his new life, too.  Kate told me to keep moving forward.  To do what I have always done, take care of things.  No one but me will get things done.  It's hard to live in today.  The past is my history, my pain, my love, my life.  The lines get blurry between the sad and the happy.  I would take the happy all day and all life long.   I know I need to let it go.  I know there is no more us.

She Gives Me Hope

Tonight I was invited to a reading.  The medium of choice was Kate.  There were four of us.  Each had a private 25 minute reading.  With a clock running, we dive right in.  I shuffle the tarot cards and she turns them over.  Eek.  I hold my breath waiting for the outcome.

I don't know exactly what Kate sees but I do know she sees me.  Into my soul.  She talks about my son who just broke up with his controlling girlfriend.  She knows that I am separated and waiting to get through the holidays to move toward the divorce.  Amazing.  She tells me to keep a clear sober mind.  The spirits are afraid I might be swayed otherwise.  I am thinking, how will I make a buzz free Christmas??

It comes around to my future relationships.  There is hope, she sees a ring in my future.  She sees someone in my energy that I could date when I get past my marriage and the negativity.  She tells me I have been emotionally suffocated.  I cannot express how many times I have felt like that in the past few years.  It will all be ok.  I will find happiness and love and faith and fortune.  I leave there reenergized.  Happy.  A new outlook.  I can't thank Kate enough, she gives me hope.

You Send Me Flowers

When I first got married, my husband would occasionally bring me roses.  I am not a big fan of roses.   And I think he only did roses or bought me flowers because he should.  So, after years of grocery flowers bought at the last minute, I declared flowers were a waste of money.  Now, I love flowers, fresh cut and mixed.

I want the flowers to be just because.  Some thought and a little love.  I don't want them to be the go to gift.  But theses flowers reminded me of you.  After years of getting no flowers and no disappointments in that area, I started buying small bouquets of mixed colorful flowers. Put on the table or counter.  They just brighten a room and flowers can brighten your relationship.  Said husband could not understand the meaning of the just because flowers.  So no expectation, no flowers.

Recently, when I declared I wanted to separate, the just because flowers have started showing up.  It's irritating.  The flowers are beautiful but it brings sadness and a lost hope.  All I ever wanted was beautifully mixed flowers just because you couldn't stop thinking of me.  After years of the flower-less marriage, now you send me flowers.

Why is my Tinfoil in your bedroom??

So this is the great wonder of the day! Come home from work to make lasagne.  Went to the grocery on my lunch break.  I was ready.  My kids are out for Thanksgiving break.  Which means, teens, teens and more teenagers.  This makes my heart beat.  Food is my love language.  Make this killer lasagne, go to put it in the oven.  Where is my tinfoil? Call my oldest, he ponders, nothing.  Finally, he says oh yeah it's in my room.  Um....what?? Why would it be in your room?  Really, at this point I don't really need to know.

This is my life.  Questions with no answers.  I had a brutal day of emailing fighting with my husband.  Not husband, separated from husband.  What do I do with this?  Just trying to make this divorce as smooth as possible.  Can this be done?  I begged this man for years to see me, hear me.  Nada. Now, he wants to be the husband, friend, lover I wanted.  I just don't think it can be undone.  All the hurt and heartbreak.  I don't understand not solving or fixing a problem when it's in front of you.  I assure you that is better than the waiting game.

As I sit on my couch to embrace myself for the chaos that will start at dinner time.  I am thinking, why is my tinfoil in your room?